9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
