hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
