he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
