Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
