He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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