I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Randomize
