Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I am mentally ready for anal.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
