Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
