just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
