Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
