morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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