the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
