I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
