Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
