Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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