i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
