Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
