Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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