Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
