yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
