thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
