Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
