Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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