Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
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Do I have a choice?
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Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
