i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
