she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
