Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
