I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
she pinky promised me she was 18
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Randomize
