Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
