can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
