Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
