Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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