I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
