just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I looked at my own cervix.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
