How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
