The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Randomize
