i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
