Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
