apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
