you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Randomize
