clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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