I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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