im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
