if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
