i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
