party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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