dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
