We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
