Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
