Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
