I skipped work to stalk him.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
