I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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